On the Passing of My Dad

i had a really difficult time the first month after dad passed away…i had a heavy feeling of guilt and regret…..i was the one who found dad…that was hard…i wanted so badly for him to “wake up” even just for a short while so i could tell him what a good dad he had been to me and how much i
loved him etc. the last couple times i was there to take care of my dad i was so frustrated with him! He had become so “mean” and demanding toward my mom…..my mom was at her emotional end etc…..so i was very firm with him most of the time caring for him and continued to try to convince him that he had to be nicer to mom
and appreciate her etc etc…..that last week i particularly just took care of him (which i always loved doing….but….yet i was so upset with him for how ungrateful and demanding he was being) by the
end of the evening i would be so exasperated with him i remember telling chuck i didnt even want to pray with him when i tucked him in and most of those nights i didn’t….:O(

i would talk to myself and tell myself….but Jesus would have patiently endured and would have done the “right thing” i in turn was just ready to “get to myself” and relax for a few hours….the last few days before he died i hardly slept…he had a stomach virus which gave him diarrhea and i was up most all night and all through the day trying to get him on the pot by his bed before he messed the bed…..cleaned him up quite a few times …had been sick myself and then my mom got sick too so I put her to
bed….it was a very stressful week….much to my regret i did not “love on him” as i should have…..i did the necessary things which was mostly all day and night but i didnt go the extra mile and love on him like i know he needed and would have wanted…..it “killed me” that i didn’t and still i so regret that i didnt…..as i write this it brings me back to tears and longings….i dont know if i can ever let go of this…..for sure i will not let this happen again to any
of my loved ones no matter how “unlovable” they become in their actions…..

i could tell my dad was so lonely yet he would continue
to be so very difficult toward his caregiver…..my sister said
something during our time of sharing at his memorial…she said “those who are most unlovable need the most love” ….and she also said…..”dad’s spirit died a few years ago” i do believe that is what happened when he realized he was not getting his mobility and independence back….he could have done and had so much more (and that was what would frustrate me too if I was in that place….) Dad had a very strong will and through years and hours of hard work and determination (i know coz i was with him most all of that time) he could have gone places and done more….but he sank low and i believe he just gave up…..yet in a way still wanted to live and be in control of his oh-so-tiny world…i believe that was why he was so very very very difficult most of the time….