lessons to learn

Today i am in snowy PA….I love it here! so many wonderful childhood memories….smells, tastes, sights, feels…..such warm cozy feelings…. being home. Yet, it is a painful time.

Went for a long walk tonight in the cold and snow. It was so invigorating…..yet, it was a time of searching…..I found myself praying that the Lord would take my dad…but then i had to question…is he really ready to go? Do i really want the Lord to take him now. He has been so miserable….this year sometime he has lost all will to live after having a brain surgery that left him partially immobile and dependent on others 24 hours a day. He has become deeply discouraged…..”discouraged people behave poorly” whoa……that is an understatement where my dad is concerned! i have NEVER been around someone as negative, contrary, mean, pitiful, demanding, selfish…totally self-absorbed, as my dad is at this time. As i was praying i had to ask….is this the selfish, carnal nature that has been kept at bay…? or is this medical?

it is so hard to not get totally fed-up when one is taking care of him night and day. not one word that comes from his mouth is pleasant or positive. and he is most demanding…when he wants “it” he wants it NOW! …and he wants “it” “ALL DAY LONG”!

its amazing to find out how (not so) deep our “well” is……how far we can (not) stretch when a relationship becomes totally one-sided? All of God’s relationships with his creation was at one time one-sided……how far did He stretch????

My dad told me he was asking to just die…..and i said to him, “well dad, maybe the Lord still wants to teach you something…maybe this is a test and you have not passed it yet….” trying to make the point about his bad behaviour.

As i was walking and praying …”.Lord, this is no way to live a life…..better to just take him on….” i was jolted with the thought….”am i passing my test???” am i loving him with agape love as he abuses me with his words and false accusations all day long and inconveniences me through the night. am i serving him as if i was serving Jesus Himself? is my every reply a “soft answer”? …..”a soft answer turns away wrath”……

NO LORD…..it is not time to take him on……i have not passed my test…..please fill me with your GRACE…..help me to die to self and allow Christ to reign…..help me Lord to serve my father with agape love and serve him as if i were serving Jesus Himself. Help me Lord to stretch……..

Being a missionary is a wonderful life, but like all other lives has its sacrifices. One of the worst is being away from our family on special days, like Valentines Day. This year all our children are with us, except Kristin who is 12,000 miles away in Tennessee and I am really missing her. This blog will be a tribute to my eldest daughter, Kristin Nicole.

Kris, you have always been the second mother–ok, the third one after Mom and Reina–the one the girls look up to, the powerful influencer of opinions. You are the pondering one, always taking things apart, always wondering how and why, why, why… You are the one who has long philosphical debates with our Indian sage, Sam Sade, reads hard books and works on her vocabulary every day.

You are the unpredictable one. The one who shaves her head on a whim the week before senior photos and graduation and almost gets kicked out of school a week before graduation.
You are a risk taker. I love that about you.

You are the brave one, especially with people. You aren’t afraid of anyone no matter what their position. You will talk to them with respect, but don’t cower ever.

We have had so many meaningful conversations. I feel such respect from you. So much love and gratitude for how you were raised. You make me feel noble and wise. I need that and it is the kind of gift that comes to a man best through his child. Thanks, Kris. You have encouraged me so many times as a father. Thanks too, for the ‘inside scoop’ parenting tips.

I am so proud of the person you have chosen to become. You will continue to explore the world and turn it inside out to see how it works. Explorer is your calling. You don’t have to be a builder for awhile. That will come in time. Just be content to explore all the amazing new worlds out there holding the hand of its Creator with childlike wonder.

I love you, my daughter.
Dad